So to speak. You have to wonder how much the person who writes headlines for CNN.com gets paid when you see this on the first page: “BBQ stand burns as calls to 911 pooh-poohed.”
Yes. Pooh-poohed. That caused some head scratching on this end, I don’t know about you.
In my never-ending quest for interesting/odd/entertaining headlines, I often find myself wanting to smack myself in the head. Here are a few gems from today’s batch.
Cat gorges on stolen food, gets stuck in door (CNN)
Images of an extremely large cat butt sticking out of a doorway were not what I needed this early in the morning.
Pizza promotion met with death threats (CNN)
Man, that must have been some bad cheese. Actually I’m going to post separately on this today.
Exxon cuts ties to warming skeptics (MSNBC)
In other news, officials at Exxon are back at work today after a successful lobotomy reversal.
Giant, stinky flower finds its roots (MSNBC)
It may be my love for really bad movies that makes me see an enormous tulip with toxic fumes rising from its petals, stumbling along and then having a Eureka moment when it finds it’s roots. “Finally, I can absorb water again!”
China: Teahouse Is Threat to Morality (CBS)
Umm…what exactly are they selling at this teahouse? It doesn’t sound like tea…
Well, according to CBSNews.com: “A Shanghai tea house whose name translates roughly as “Frog Keeps a Mistress” has been deemed a threat to public morality and told to get a new moniker, local media said Friday.”
Oh. Granted, I’ll never claim to be an expert on Chinese culture, but why would you name a teahouse “Frog Keeps a Mistress” in the first place?
And from the insanely stupid department…
Man Trying to Kill Bees Sets Home Ablaze (CBS)
Yes. Apparently the homeowner thought it would be a great idea to mix Real Kill Indoor Fogger with WD-40 and spray it on his vinyl siding. Perhaps he spent too much time in the house while using the aforementioned fogger.
Today isn’t the greatest headline day so far but there are still some entertaining moments.
Hindu holy men says Ganges too dirty for ritual bath (AFP)
This is sort of like someone pouring sewage into the Vatican’s holy water. Not a good thing for followers. But when not considering the religious implications it is a pretty funny statement isn’t it?
Talk about snail mail! Letter sent in 1954 arrives (MSNBC)
Well that’s good. Now maybe the three packages that never made it to my local post office will arrive someday. There’s hope yet! Of course in 50-odd years I won’t care.
Tigger Accused Of Hitting Teen (CBS)
Next week, Piglet will pummel a passerby with his priceless Polly Pocket pack. Say that ten times fast. Really, what does it say when Pooh’s friends start attacking people?
Big Apple Smells Rotten (Fox News)
Typically, it’s Washington, D.C. that smells rotten. I guess it’s getting passed around.
Democrats vow intense scrutiny of Bush Iraq plan (Reuters)
Shouldn’t Congress have been scrutinizing this for over four years now? Isn’t it a little late to catch up now? Actually I included this because when I read it, I pictured Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden hunched over a table with magnifying glasses trying to read the little tiny piece of paper that the war plan was written on. I wonder how bad their headaches will be when they figure out it’s just a Bazooka gum wrapper.
And my favorite of the day so far:
Scoop: Hands off my assets, Anna Nicole Smith says (MSNBC)
There’s no commentary for that. I think it speaks for itself.
You know, sometimes this is too easy. Here are some of my favorite headlines of the day, from Jesus to monkeys….
Jesus in a tree? Neighbors say Lord, yes (CNN)
Perhaps he was rescuing a cat. You realize in most other situations, if you replace the name “Jesus” with, say, “Masked Avenger,” you might be committed. But apparently, Jesus is in a tree. Or something. It’s just an odd phrase.
Ivanka to Rosie: Don’t you mess with my dad! (MSNBC)
This is the most pathetic celebrity feud story I’ve heard of in some time. Trump is obviously just pushing his show and feelings on O’Donnell aside, let’s consider this: Trump says Barbara Walters wants to fire O’Donnell. Walters says she never said that. So, either Trump is lying outright, or he’s a snake who talks about private conversations with people he calls “friends.” Either way, this is just dumb. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was planned to give both shows some publicity if you want my personal opinion.
Bush likely to name Negroponte on Friday (Reuters)
Funny. I thought Negroponte already had a name.
FTC fines weight loss pill firms $25M (AP)
There is no evidence some weight loss pills actually work. *slaps forehead* What a surprise!!!
Bank issues credit card to cat (Reuters)
Banks can be really stupid. They’ll really wonder what’s happening when orders start coming in for diamond-studded collars and wine glass food bowls.
I thought I was done, when I came across this:
Scoop: Hilton shares bed with monkey (MSNBC)
There is nothing I can say to that. Absolutely nothing. The image by itself is too horrible to describe.
Some of the odd headlines I found today are pretty interesting. In a “please don’t hit me again” sort of way. So let’s get to it…
Reporter watched a hanging and can’t forget it (CNN)
Well I would hope that would be something you couldn’t forget. I would hope you wouldn’t just go, “Oh, a dead guy, cool,” and keep on your way to Starbucks.
Snow for sale on eBay (CNN)
I don’t know who I feel has it the worst: those who want snow so bad they’d pay for it on Ebay, or the guy who needs money so bad he’s selling snow.
Oops! CNN Mixes Up Obama And Osama (CBS)
I love this. CNN has some severely incompetent moments, but this should be put on a poster in their offices.
Typo lands tourist 8,000 miles from destination (CNN)
I’m sure they were quite confused. I wonder how many times the person who made the typo got smacked in the forehead.
$110 hamburger lands on hotel menu (CNN)
Now I’ve seen it all. Flying hamburgers. Of course it costs $110. It’s got to have an engine, wings, and some sort of fuel system in order to fly. And to be able to land it right on a menu is…oh. Just a silly choice of words. The hamburgers don’t really fly. Well that ruined my day.
In the category of Most Worthless News Item:
Spears sleepy in 2007 (MSNBC)
Wow. Maybe it’s just me, but I imagine we’ll all be sleepy at some point in 2007. This story might be about Britney Spears conking off somewhere, but the headline is about as blah as I can imagine.
And my personal favorite, winning today’s award for Paragon of Confusion:
Plane reported missing, found, missing again (CNN)
Now that’s a whole lot of confusion.
Originally posted 1/2/07
Glancing over the basic news-fusion (you know, News-Confusion?) sites, a few very…interesting…headlines caught my eye. Here’s the best of today’s crop. I of course did not read the articles before writing this. That would ruin the fun of the strange headlines.
Police: Toddler found playing on highway (CNN)
Well that’s always nice to see. It’s tough to find good places for kids to play nowadays, now we have more options!
George Lucas practices wave for Rose Parade (MSNBC)
I’m pretty sure I can’t imagine anything more boring. I’ve practiced multiplication tables, how to fill out tax forms and driving, but I have never felt the need to practice something so simple as a wave.
Wolf, worm, beaver: Name that full moon (MSNBC)
I’m not sure why exactly; it just sounded strange to me.
Police: Mom teaching 6 kids to shoplift (CNN)
Hmm. I guess it’s a step up from the mothers my childhood friends had. Those mothers didn’t bother to teach them anything.
Sea Slug Offers Clues to Human Brain Disorders (LiveScience)
I found this interesting given the number of humans with brains of sea slugs.
Thirsty man sells beagle to buy beer (Reuters)
I’m thirsty enough to sell a dog to quench the thirst. Wouldn’t water be not only a better thirst quencher, but cheaper? Isn’t it free?!
China heralds year of the fluorescent green pig (CNN)
This is not a comment on the Chinese Zodiac. This is the type of headline that makes me imagine little dancing fluorescent green pigs. That’s just the kind of mind I have.
And finally, my favorite for today:
Democrats vow to restore political integrity (CNN)
The follow up headline should read, “Democrats given dictionary to look up the word ‘oxymoron’.”
One of the favorites of the hardcore PCs. If you’re proud of your naturally perpetually confused state, this is how you show it off. We’re all perpetually confused, so it’s either take pride in it or hide in a hole.
Buy one here: PC (Perpetually Confused) And Proud T-shirt
