MSNBC has won the headlines game hands down today. I think they actually tried to be odd this morning. But first, a headline from CBS that made me laugh:

Jerusalem Primps, Bracing For Bush Visit (CBS)
Bracing for a visit sounds like something bad is about to happen and they are trying to prepare for it. Typically people don’t primp for something they are bracing for. And how can a location primp itself? It doesn’t have hands. Perhaps the people of Jerusalem are primping. Getting pretty for this event they have to brace for.

And on to MSNBC’s day of gags and guffaws.

Analysis: Plan for BCS quarterbacks? Don’t lose game (MSNBC)
Gee, ya think?!? What quarterbacks actively plan to lose? Of course they plan to win! They might not, they may have no chance, but they’d still plan it!

Hiring may not be so great in 2008 (MSNBC)
According to, well, everyone I know, it hasn’t been so great for a while.

McDonald’s to take on Starbucks (MSNBC)
McLattes, McFrapucinos, McInsanity! When I think of McDonald’s, I think grease. Not caffeinated beverages of dubious origin with even more dubious names.

Silence that cell phone with the wave of a hand (MSNBC)
I’ve been able to do that for years. Of course, in my method, the phone then goes sailing across the room and smashes into the wall.

Taser unveils holster with music player (MSNBC)
So now you can taser some guy out of his mind and sing along to “Shock The Monkey!” How perfect is that?

But finally, what may be the most boring headline in recent memory from MSNBC, a story so earth-shattering I’m not sure I could have lived without it:

Xerox unveils new lowercase logo (MSNBC)
Wow. It actually makes my eyes ache just to read it. Where’s my pillow?

Today’s headlines are a mixed bag. Just mixed enough maybe to make you say, “What?” I know I couldn’t live without knowledge of these events!

Snake mistakes golf balls for eggs, eats ‘em (CNN)
This was front page news on CNN.com. A snake. Who ate golf balls. Because he thought they were eggs. I am a’flutter with the import of this news. If I didn’t know this, I would feel bereft. Then again, perhaps the inside story isn’t what the headline implies. It sounds like a headline for the Politics section, given how many politicians tend to be golf-ball sucking snakes.

XL underwear smothers fire (CNN)
This was an image I didn’t need in the morning. I just see firefighters waving someone’s extra large underwear at a fire, which tends to turn into a weird Broadway show in my sick mind.

Wealthy dogs love spaghetti dinners (CNN)
Really. What were the people at CNN smoking this morning? Did someone actually do a poll to see if some rich person’s pups eat spaghetti? Who cares about this information? My dog likes pig ears. Is that news?

Get your post-caucus spin now! (MSNBC)
This may be the most honest headline of the day. That’s essentially what the mass media promotes – spin! I just never thought they’d brag about it on the front page!

Free drug samples go to wealthy and insured (MSNBC)
Of course. Celebrities with millions of dollars get free meals, toys and gadgets all the time, while Bob the Veteran living in his box outside the restaurant doesn’t even get a smile. Why should this be any different? We wouldn’t want help to go to people who actually need it would we?

A little lighter news…ha ha ha ha….
‘Hearty Eater’ Claims Buffet Banned Him (CBS)
Buffets, in general, are anathema anyway. We don’t NEED to eat all we can eat. We don’t hibernate. Nobody needs 5,000 calories in one meal. This guy should thank the restaurant for stopping him, even if only for a moment!

And finally, my nightmare headline of the day:
Scientists look to sperm to power nanobots (MSNBC)
I don’t WANT to know. I really, really don’t.

Sometimes the headlines make me laugh. The rest of the time I just want to slap myself. Let’s begin!

MSNBC: Sudan grills teacher over teddy bear name
Yikes. Did they grill her on a spit? Over an open flame? With barbecue sauce? Did they give the leftovers to the homeless?

CNN: Hulk Hogan’s wife wants property, alimony
Isn’t that normal in divorce proceedings? Is the fact that she wants something normal actually news?

CNN: Hotshot monkeys in science
I can’t be the only one picturing capuchins in lab coats, throwing pencils about can I?

CBS: Why Putin’s Party Can’t Lose
It’s not the subject or even the headline as much as the fact that when I read it, the first though into my warped mind was, “Putin’s Party Picked A Peck Of Pickled Peppers.”

Fox: Stephen King: Waterboard Jenna to See If It’s Torture
I just thought this was hysterical. It would never happen, but it might make the issue seem more real to people, no matter their persuasion (or their ability to be persuaded).

This one made me laugh at first, then just slam my head against the desk.
Fox: Train Riders Shiver as Couple Have Sex in Waiting Room
People are going at it in the waiting room, and all the other riders can do is shiver? Nobody complained? Asked them to stop? Tried to join in? They just shivered? Maybe it wasn’t really a shiver. Maybe it was the start of jumping in.

In the category of completely worthless snooze:
Fox: Pop Tarts: Video Shows Britney Running Stop Signs
In the words of Joey Styles – “OH MY GOD!” I KNOW that my entire world would collapse if I did not know this piece of information!!! Give her a ticket and shut up already.

Fox: Erectile Dysfunction in Young Men Often Psychological
Which proves the theory that the greatest birth control on earth is to point and laugh.

MSNBC: Scoop: Who’s your daddy? K-Fed, that’s who
Um, no. K-Fed will never be my daddy. And how is this a huge scoop? Who cares? We’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel to find some entertainment aren’t we?

But the headline that, in my opinion, came off as the dumbest headline of the day:
MSNBC: Mich. teen breaks up with MySpace beau
Now that is earth-shattering, limb buckling, mind-numbing, totally irreplaceable news. My life for sure has been uplifted for knowing that some teen broke up with some dude on MySpace. Wow. This is what I check the news for.

Today, CNN and CBS provided me with some laughs and some pure confusion. And since confusion is my life, I share!

From CNN we start with:

Old prostitute left streets, needed walker
All I could see was a 90-year-old woman, in a hot pink short skirt and midriff-baring skin-tight blouse, walking down the street with her walker. It’s part horrifying image, part sort of depressing, part indescribable.

CNN also offers:

Your tax dollars may go for mule museum
A mule museum actually seems like a welcome change from what my tax dollars usually go for.

And further down the page, this simple headline:

‘You don’t want to come up with a piece of crap’
This is true. No matter where you come up from, you want to leave the crap in the toilet.

CBS wins the day’s award for strangest headline:

Man Gets Probation In Pickle Assault
Read it again. Nothing I could say would do that line justice.

But CNN wins, not only by number, but by stupidity. Perhaps I’m just a perv, but this line made me look three times and wonder if maybe we are too deluged with porn.

Cheerleader creamed by players at game
That sounds like something out of Hef’s greatest hits. Try not to shudder.

As busy as I am right now I have to take headline opportunities when they come. Today there were enough that I just had to post.

Starting off the derby, from CNN.com, the guffaw of the day:
Bush: We take climate change seriously
No commentary needed, it’s funny on its own.

Also from CNN comes this very interesting image:
Mom pulls off pants, baby 9 hits car floor
The first image I got was of a woman taking her pants off and her ninth child pounding on the floor with his fists in annoyance. Now I just see a newborn shooting into space and slamming into the floor. Not a good picture either way really.

From MSNBC.com:
Woman found alive 8 days later
Eight days later….after what? How vague is that? Woman found alive eight days after…asteroid crash? Spontaneous human combustion? Eating a snack?

The AP informs us that:
Court won’t declare chimp a person
Poor little guy. He’s so close already but those mean courts won’t give in.

Reuters was having a slow news day:
Push-up bra ads banned as meeting nears
Makes me wonder what meeting…

And from the AP, one of those “I can’t believe this was actually considered news” items:
New stalls for Craig’s airport restroom
Oh my god! Can we get tickets to the construction?!

From the crew at CNN:
Ticker: Giuliani links family scrutiny to bible
Because his life, or ANY life, actually has something to do with the bible.

Two shorts rants follow and then the two funniest headlines of the day, as voted by me.

CNN:
Madonna, Beasties lead rock hall nominees
OK. Do Madonna and the Beastie Boys deserve to be in a Hall of Fame? Probably, and in Madonna’s case, absolutely. But the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? That place is such a pathetic waste of time, ignoring great deserving ROCK bands because Jann Wenner comes off like an idiot with a score to settle and an ego to stroke. I loathe him.

From MSNBC:
Media melee follows Britney’s Mexican meal
Holy crap, Britney ate dinner!!! Let’s get serious here. If she’s an unfit mother, it’ll come out in court. But leave the freaking girl alone! Would YOU act normal if you were constantly hounded by photographers, for pulling off the excruciatingly difficult task of WALKING? And is the fact that she can eat really THAT fascinating? If it is, you might want to find something more interesting in your own life. But maybe it’s just me.

Now, the AFP provides the second funniest headline as voted by me:
Bounty for ‘gangster’ monkeys terrorising tourists at Cambodian temple
I see a bunch of monkeys with bowler hats, black trenchcoats and tommy guns chasing tourists around the temple, screaming about the tourists taking a piece of the monkey’s action.

And the headline that made me laugh out loud, from CNN:
Blizzard of babies reported in Denver
As millions of babies fall from the sky, the ground blanketed in squirming youngsters in tiny diapers, the populace runs to hide! Tomorrow, millions of babies will be scooped out of the road by snowplows, and sent to orphanages in a foreign land to learn hand weaving.

Welcome back to Headlines! Today’s crop is a little bit odd, but that’s the way I like it.

From MSNBC.com:
Odor leads agents to dung depot
I think I’d be finding a new job. Finding dung is one thing, finding an entire dung DEPOT is another entirely.

Also from MSNBC.com, in the “In what universe is this actually news” category:
Teeth whitening for Spears’ oldest son?
Now if it was something like, “Dual Limb Replacement For Spears’ Oldest Son,” I can see that making a mark in the Entertainment section. But teeth whitening? And why does a kid that small need teeth whitening? Brush his teeth!

This one came from CNN.com and was copied and pasted directly:
Tow fills one whopping-big ketchup packet
Maybe I’m tired, but this sentence makes no sense to me. While trying to make sense of it I thought, “maybe a tow truck dragged something in,” but a tow truck can’t tow ketchup. Besides, why wouldn’t they say “tow truck?” Then I figured out that a TOWN filled the packet, was instantaneously bored, and went on to the next headline….

Also from CNN.com:
Overgenerous ATM hands out an extra $7,000
Why do things like this never happen to me? Granted I’d take it back in to the bank because I wouldn’t want to steal from anybody but at least I’d have a nifty story.

MSNBC.com provided this darling bit:
Post-sex scrubdown? Don’t take it personally
I’m not sure where to begin on that one but if someone started scrubbing me down, I might insist they desist. That’s my job.

From CBSNews.com:
Ethanol Demand Sparks Popcorn Debate
For some reason those just don’t sound right together. However, if I can someday power my car on popcorn, I’ll be a very happy camper.

Also from CBS:
Gaining Weight? Blame Your Friends
Anyone but yourself!

CNN.com posted what may be my double-take line of the day:

O.J. Simpson grilled on live Internet show
I don’t see why this wouldn’t be breaking news. A human being grilled on a live show?! Was he sauteed? Marinated? Fed to the homeless? Was Crisco a sponsor? Or A1?!

But CBSNews.com comes out ahead today with my personal favorites, and there are three:
Call Police If Offered Women’s Undies
If someone walked up and offered women’s underwear to me I probably would report them. That’s the sort of thing I go shopping for on my own. If some stranger is selling them, that sort of sets off my creepy meter.

I love this one: Monkey Unlocks Pen, Eludes Zoo Staff
I envision the monkey from Friends dashing about with a wicked grin on his little monkey face as zookeepers lunge and fall all over themselves, stacking up like cordwood in the capuchin’s wake.

But this is the one I really hope I never see again:
Panda Poop To Be Recycled Into Souvenirs
The things I see when I read this really don’t need to be described.

It might not have been a banner headline day but it was slightly amusing.

Two sentenced for trying to sell Coke’s secrets (CNN)
Which one, which ingredient makes it nasty or the one that leaves the weird film in the cup?

U.S. checking Chinese toothpaste imports (CNN)
Yes, toothpaste will get checked. Thousands of containers, not so much.

Shark virgin birth warning to man, expert says (CNN)
No not that the “apocalypse” is coming. Just that the sharks may be under greater threat than previously known in order to resort to asexual birth. But what does it say about the country that my first reaction to reading the headline was, “Here we go again.”

Baby ‘Bubba’ gets a gun permit (CNN)
I’m not sure any Bubba should have a gun permit, but a baby? What’s he going to shoot, his teddy bear? He’s more likely to accidentally gun down his parents. Maybe a rattle would be a safer choice.

Judge orders shoplifters to wear ‘I am a thief’ signs (CNN)
I think this is hilarious. Someone will complain I’m sure but at least this way they’re punished and the rest of the neighborhood is warned.

Man Faces Felony In Underwear Thefts (CBS)
I was going to click the link…but I don’t want to know why the guy was hijacking underwear.

I especially enjoyed this one…
Man Gets 5 Years For Blowing Up Toilet (CBS)
I didn’t picture a bomb folks. That’s the kind of sicko I can be.

Yes. Think about it.

Finger Length Predicts SAT Performance (LiveScience.com)
And nose hair length indicates athletic prowess.

Study: More spam but fewer complaints (AP)
Because we’ve just given up.

The double take moment of the day:
Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair (Reuters)
I really don’t need to comment.

And the jaw-dropper of the day:
Depp ‘wants to eat’ co-star in ‘Pirates’ (AFP)
Perhaps it’s because I’m a little perverted sometimes. But I will never be able to watch that movie the same way ever again.

Oh some days my email annoys me, but on others it gives me a great deal of amusement. Today is on of those latter days.

I was calmly typing up a small article for work when my e-mail client let me know that an important message had just come through. Important. High priority. Highlighted in orange. I will now share it with you with my comments in brackets [ ].

But first, a look at the email address it came from.

It’s from festus12taylor@wooow.it. It says to reply to festus_taylor11@yahoo.fr. And in the body it has this: festus12taylor@walla.com. Do I look new? On to the e-mail!

From Festus Taylor Apealing for urgent assistance
Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire
festus12taylor@walla.com
Tel: 0022501633525

[Festus. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I apologize to those named Festus but unfortunately your name strikes us ignorant Americans as slightly hysterical. I think the main reason it sounds so funny to me is that the person sending this and the e-mail itself are quite "fetid," which is close enough to Festus to make me giggle.]

Attn,

I am pleased to get in touch with you for a very urgent business, although I don’t know you neither have I seen you before but my confidence was reposed on you when I came across your contact during my search for a credible overseas partner to assist me.

[First off, dictionary.com defines "repose" as: 1. the state of reposing or being at rest; rest; sleep. 2. peace; tranquillity; calm. And in other similar ways. So what does "my confidence was reposed on you" mean, exactly?]

I am 21years old, the only surviving son of late Mr. Patrick Taylor My father was a produce buyer & exporter of cocoa and
coffee. My father was shoot with a gun during a trip to the village and dead in a fatal motor accident with my mother and three brothers.

[So let's consult this. The father was "shoot" with a gun AND dead in a fatal motor accident. Does he have nine lives? Or did the gunshot cause the crash? See these are the things I'd like to know. And...was he shot by Festus? Insert your favorite dramatic music here.]

While I was going through my father’s file [he only had one apparently] I discovered that he deposited the sum of fourteen million dollar only (US$14.000,000) with a bank in Abidjan.

[Fourteen million dollar only. ONLY. There's fourteen million of one dollar in this account.]

Presently I am soliciting your assistance as regards the transfer and the investing ! of this money there in your country.

[Ask Charles Schwab. The last I looked I was a writer. And what's up with the !]

You will also be required to assist me so that I can futher my educational carrier.

[I would love to assist Festus with his educational carrier. It's quite obvious that he needs it.]

you will be well compensated for this noble assistance of your’s.

[What?]

Kindly contact me through the above mentioned telephone number and email address respectively.

[WHICH e-mail address? The first, the second, or the third? And just how much money will I have to shell out for that phone call? To a guy named Festus who wants to further his educational carrier (which is quite amazing, I only had an educational career - he actually has a carrier) and invest only $14,000,000 deposited in a foreign bank by his father who was shot AND died in a car crash, possibly at the same time.]

Regards,
Festus Taylor

You know, I feel sorry for the father. He gets shot, potentially by Festus, and then dies in a car crash with his entire family except, coincidentally, Mr. Festus. He puts fourteen million one dollar bills in a bank in Abidjan and now his possibly murdering son wants to invest it elsewhere and give a bunch of it to the guy who carries his education. I wish someone would have carried my education. Perhaps the father wanted Abidjan to be the location of the investment – hence, the depositing of all those one dollar bills there.

It’s not the most amusing scam letter I’ve ever gotten but I figure it’s fun anyway, if only to potentially inspire a murder mystery featuring a foreign banking center and a mysterious, lazy and ungrateful son named Festus, who can’t even carry his own education.

I tell you, it would sell.

In a more serious tone, don’t fall for this. I am constantly saddened by how desperate people get and astounded how many of them will believe crap like this.

I hopped online today to check the daily news and was hit by a plethora of fabulously interesting headlines. Here are the best of the best.

Coyote Visits Downtown Deli (ABCNews)
I picture him walking in, ever so calm, sitting down and talking with the other patrons. “So how’s it going? Yeah the city threw out my lunch. How about a sub?”

Forget Bananas, Gorillas Want Eggs! (ABCNews)
This is the kind of earth-shattering news I know I could not live without. If all I ever got were bananas I’d want something else too.

Cheney reasserts al-Qaida-Saddam link (MSNBC)
Which only goes to prove that the man had a lobotomy at some point in the last five years. Or it proves my long-time theory – that he is actually an enormous Teddy Ruckspin doll in a suit that repeats the same tape over and over again. Yeah, Teddy was pretty wicked.

On the same topic, who came up with the name Ruckspin? It’s just a question you should ask yourself.

A candy replica of Will Ferrell? (MSNBC)
He might be amusing, but this is actually a pretty horrendous thought.

Roof Leak Blamed For Tainted Peanut Butter (MSNBC)
That’s worse than a candied Ferrell. What, exactly, was in the leak? And do we really want to know?

Rachael Ray Cooks Up A Prom (MSNBC)
I can’t possibly be the only person who read this and instantly imagined the cooking guru deep-frying a bunch of teenagers in formal attire. Get your prom queen-kabob here!

Florida houses sex offenders under bridge (CNN)
Perhaps they can learn to play with each other instead of small children.

Angry resident throws fruit at school board (CNN)
I would have paid money to see this. Maybe even on pay per view. I’d pay extra if the egg-eating gorillas joined in. A triple threat battle: Books vs. Eggs vs. Pomegranates!

5th-graders charged with having sex in class (CNN)
What class is that?! I’ve had a theory for a while that the computer-vaccine generations are aging faster. Prove me wrong.

‘He’s dying!’ wife cries, so hospital dials 911 (CNN)
This may be the most ludicrous headline I’ve ever read. Don’t you call 911 to GO to the hospital? And how paranoid would you become if this happened to you?

And my personal favorite for today, from ABCNews:

Chocolate Jesus Spurs Controversy
Mmmmmm. Chocolate Jeeeeeesussssss….ahhhhhhhhhhh…..

There’s not as many instantly hilarious headlines today but there are definitely some that make me wonder if perhaps 24 hour networks should just be banned outright for the stuff they come up with to pass the time.

Group seeks to ban certain birth control pills (CNN)
This is news? Isn’t someone always seeking to ban birth control in some way? This stopped being news after the first, oh, thousand or so.

Born to be bad? Genetic research says maybe (MSNBC)
So The Runaways were right? Interesting. Another born excuse in the making.

What Florists Won’t Tell Valentine Buyers (CBS)
That being nice one day a year does not a good relationship make? Really, what is Valentine’s Day anymore but an excuse to get peanut butter hearts?

Poll: 25% of Viewers Have Money Riding on Super Bowl (Rasmussen)
This is news?

Students use chat lingo in class (AP)
Fabulous. Hopefully they’re learn something that’s actually useful before they graduate.

Keith Urban Suits Himself (E! Online)
What? How do you suit yourself? I know he sued someone with the same name, but even if “suit” was the word to use here, saying he sued (suited) himself is a lie designed to sound cute. But this is E! Online after all. Not exactly a bastion of journalism.

And since there always has to be one that makes me go, “Huh?”

New yarn from exhibit of crocheted nudes (CNN)
Um…that makes so little sense to me I’m not even going to click on it to figure it out.