Um….oh no he couldn’t.  None of us are going to be alive then, much less Bernie Madoff.  ”Bernie Madoff is scheduled to spend the rest of his life in prison” would suffice, but there’s no way on any planet we currently know of that he could be released in 2139.

Der.

Retiring soldier eats 36-year-old cake-in-a-can
This was in the latest news section at the top of the page.  I don’t know why.  But besides wondering why this is news, I wonder if the guy ate it because he HAD to because he has no money?  Is he a little off?  Or is he like the guy I knew in science class who would try anything?

Cafferty: Is Sarah Palin still relevant?
Well, considering she lost her first national election and didn’t start a full fledged trend of adding “also” six times to each sentence, I’m not sure she was ever relevant.

Actress on sex, lies, ‘band and snap’
Band and snap?  Is that related to Legally Blond’s bend and snap?  Curiosity made me actually click the link and it IS bend and snap.  CNN just didn’t bother proofreading their headline.  Oops.

Alligator spotted belly-surfing off beach
This might win the award for the most meaningless headline of the day.  And it was considered top news.  Now if the little beast was wearing go-go boots, sunglasses and a fedora, THAT would have grabbed my attention.

Oh wait…no, it got beat out for most pointless by this:

Ticker: ‘I love you,’ says Palin
Really?  That’s it?  Don’t the majority of Americans say that at least a few times in their lives?  We’ve got more soldiers dying in Afghanistan and this is what makes the top headlines?

CNN doesn’t have much to offer today in the way of real news so on to MSNBC.  But before I go there, there’s an ABCNews.com headline that takes a sledgehammer to my aggravation button.

American Airlines raises checked-bag fee
You do realize that soon it will actually be cheaper to MAIL your luggage to your destination?  You’d probably be more likely to get it too.  In fact, since I had to unpack anyway, I just put all the clothes I took to my dad’s house, put them in a box, and weighed it.  It would cost me about $16 to mail it to my dad.  So I’d already save money that way.  This is however the same airline that refused to even consider giving me a refund for a ticket when I had to cancel a trip.  Normally I’d say, well that’s the policy but my reason for canceling?  My mother had just gone into hospice for the last time.  American Airlines, we’ll screw you any way we can.

Rant over.  On to MSNBC.

Grilling officials at the fair
I’ve always thought “grill” was an unfortunate headline word.  “OJ Simpson grilled in court,” “teacher grilled over class content.”  I’m sorry. I see a bunch of kids and teens having a blast at the fair by putting a bunch of officials on a spit and setting them ablaze.

Maybe it’s just me.

Suleman inks reality show deal for her 14 kids
Won’t these kids be traumatized enough by their mother’s plastic surgery?  Why do they need to be forced onto television too?

This is my favorite headline today:

Hey stupid! Drop the cell phone and drive
Considering the only people who come close to slamming into me anymore are morons on cell phones, I say:  A-fricken’-men.

From MSNBC.com comes this absolute comedy goldmine:

‘Jealous wife’ charged in fatal genitals fire
It might not be funny to the person with the flaming genitalia or his family, but that sentence itself has to be funny to just about everyone else. And I love the quotes. ‘Jealous wife.’ I see someone doing sarcastic air quotes when I see that.

Also from MSNBC:

Apple’s Steve Jobs’ condition a ‘puzzle’
You’d think they’d know how to fix that by now. Put him on House!

From CBSNews.com:

Boy, 4, Shoots Babysitter For Stepping On His Foot
Wow. That is one ticked off kid. How does a four year old get a gun anyway? And why would a four year old’s first thought be, “ouch, he accidentally stepped on my foot, I think I’ll just SHOOT HIM”? Sheesh.

The following are all from CNN.com:

Appearing in both the “more than I needed to know” and “completely worthless snewz” categories:

Harrison Ford’s chest hair waxed, ripped off
This was in CNN’s top news stories. I can see why. The disturbing image of someone ripping off all of Harrison’s chest hair is by far the most important thing I’ve come across all day.

I’m not sure what category to put this in:

Artist tests Facebook ‘nipple rule’
Maybe it’s just me, but when I read this, for some reason I saw a face with nipples on it being stretched and strained by a dude wearing a beret. It is possible I’m not getting enough sleep.

And in the “what in the holy hell are you talking about” category:

Obama reviewed cobbler on TV in ‘01
What? Did he use television to decide if he wanted cherry or apple cobbler? Or maybe he was researching to find someone to fix his shoes? And what does it matter what year it was, unless he reviewed the cobbler in 2001, is going to eat it now, and we’re afraid he’s going to die from food poisoning?

Jerusalem Primps, Bracing For Bush Visit (CBS)
Bracing for a visit sounds like something bad is about to happen and they are trying to prepare for it. Typically people don’t primp for something they are bracing for. And how can a location primp itself? It doesn’t have hands. Perhaps the people of Jerusalem are primping. Getting pretty for this event they have to brace for.

And on to MSNBC’s day of gags and guffaws.

Analysis: Plan for BCS quarterbacks? Don’t lose game (MSNBC)
Gee, ya think?!? What quarterbacks actively plan to lose? Of course they plan to win! They might not, they may have no chance, but they’d still plan it!

Hiring may not be so great in 2008 (MSNBC)
According to, well, everyone I know, it hasn’t been so great for a while.

McDonald’s to take on Starbucks (MSNBC)
McLattes, McFrapucinos, McInsanity! When I think of McDonald’s, I think grease. Not caffeinated beverages of dubious origin with even more dubious names.

Silence that cell phone with the wave of a hand (MSNBC)
I’ve been able to do that for years. Of course, in my method, the phone then goes sailing across the room and smashes into the wall.

Taser unveils holster with music player (MSNBC)
So now you can taser some guy out of his mind and sing along to “Shock The Monkey!” How perfect is that?

But finally, what may be the most boring headline in recent memory from MSNBC, a story so earth-shattering I’m not sure I could have lived without it:

Xerox unveils new lowercase logo (MSNBC)
Wow. It actually makes my eyes ache just to read it. Where’s my pillow?

Snake mistakes golf balls for eggs, eats ‘em (CNN)
This was front page news on CNN.com. A snake. Who ate golf balls. Because he thought they were eggs. I am a’flutter with the import of this news. If I didn’t know this, I would feel bereft. Then again, perhaps the inside story isn’t what the headline implies. It sounds like a headline for the Politics section, given how many politicians tend to be golf-ball sucking snakes.

XL underwear smothers fire (CNN)
This was an image I didn’t need in the morning. I just see firefighters waving someone’s extra large underwear at a fire, which tends to turn into a weird Broadway show in my sick mind.

Wealthy dogs love spaghetti dinners (CNN)
Really. What were the people at CNN smoking this morning? Did someone actually do a poll to see if some rich person’s pups eat spaghetti? Who cares about this information? My dog likes pig ears. Is that news?

Get your post-caucus spin now! (MSNBC)
This may be the most honest headline of the day. That’s essentially what the mass media promotes – spin! I just never thought they’d brag about it on the front page!

Free drug samples go to wealthy and insured (MSNBC)
Of course. Celebrities with millions of dollars get free meals, toys and gadgets all the time, while Bob the Veteran living in his box outside the restaurant doesn’t even get a smile. Why should this be any different? We wouldn’t want help to go to people who actually need it would we?

A little lighter news…ha ha ha ha….
‘Hearty Eater’ Claims Buffet Banned Him (CBS)
Buffets, in general, are anathema anyway. We don’t NEED to eat all we can eat. We don’t hibernate. Nobody needs 5,000 calories in one meal. This guy should thank the restaurant for stopping him, even if only for a moment!

And finally, my nightmare headline of the day:
Scientists look to sperm to power nanobots (MSNBC)
I don’t WANT to know. I really, really don’t.

MSNBC: Sudan grills teacher over teddy bear name
Yikes. Did they grill her on a spit? Over an open flame? With barbecue sauce? Did they give the leftovers to the homeless?

CNN: Hulk Hogan’s wife wants property, alimony
Isn’t that normal in divorce proceedings? Is the fact that she wants something normal actually news?

CNN: Hotshot monkeys in science
I can’t be the only one picturing capuchins in lab coats, throwing pencils about can I?

CBS: Why Putin’s Party Can’t Lose
It’s not the subject or even the headline as much as the fact that when I read it, the first though into my warped mind was, “Putin’s Party Picked A Peck Of Pickled Peppers.”

Fox: Stephen King: Waterboard Jenna to See If It’s Torture
I just thought this was hysterical. It would never happen, but it might make the issue seem more real to people, no matter their persuasion (or their ability to be persuaded).

This one made me laugh at first, then just slam my head against the desk.
Fox: Train Riders Shiver as Couple Have Sex in Waiting Room
People are going at it in the waiting room, and all the other riders can do is shiver? Nobody complained? Asked them to stop? Tried to join in? They just shivered? Maybe it wasn’t really a shiver. Maybe it was the start of jumping in.

In the category of completely worthless snooze:
Fox: Pop Tarts: Video Shows Britney Running Stop Signs
In the words of Joey Styles – “OH MY GOD!” I KNOW that my entire world would collapse if I did not know this piece of information!!! Give her a ticket and shut up already.

Fox: Erectile Dysfunction in Young Men Often Psychological
Which proves the theory that the greatest birth control on earth is to point and laugh.

MSNBC: Scoop: Who’s your daddy? K-Fed, that’s who
Um, no. K-Fed will never be my daddy. And how is this a huge scoop? Who cares? We’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel to find some entertainment aren’t we?

But the headline that, in my opinion, came off as the dumbest headline of the day:
MSNBC: Mich. teen breaks up with MySpace beau
Now that is earth-shattering, limb buckling, mind-numbing, totally irreplaceable news. My life for sure has been uplifted for knowing that some teen broke up with some dude on MySpace. Wow. This is what I check the news for.

From CNN we start with:

Old prostitute left streets, needed walker
All I could see was a 90-year-old woman, in a hot pink short skirt and midriff-baring skin-tight blouse, walking down the street with her walker. It’s part horrifying image, part sort of depressing, part indescribable.

CNN also offers:

Your tax dollars may go for mule museum
A mule museum actually seems like a welcome change from what my tax dollars usually go for.

And further down the page, this simple headline:

‘You don’t want to come up with a piece of crap’
This is true. No matter where you come up from, you want to leave the crap in the toilet.

CBS wins the day’s award for strangest headline:

Man Gets Probation In Pickle Assault
Read it again. Nothing I could say would do that line justice.

But CNN wins, not only by number, but by stupidity. Perhaps I’m just a perv, but this line made me look three times and wonder if maybe we are too deluged with porn.

Cheerleader creamed by players at game
That sounds like something out of Hef’s greatest hits. Try not to shudder.

Starting off the derby, from CNN.com, the guffaw of the day:
Bush: We take climate change seriously
No commentary needed, it’s funny on its own.

Also from CNN comes this very interesting image:
Mom pulls off pants, baby 9 hits car floor
The first image I got was of a woman taking her pants off and her ninth child pounding on the floor with his fists in annoyance. Now I just see a newborn shooting into space and slamming into the floor. Not a good picture either way really.

From MSNBC.com:
Woman found alive 8 days later
Eight days later….after what? How vague is that? Woman found alive eight days after…asteroid crash? Spontaneous human combustion? Eating a snack?

The AP informs us that:
Court won’t declare chimp a person
Poor little guy. He’s so close already but those mean courts won’t give in.

Reuters was having a slow news day:
Push-up bra ads banned as meeting nears
Makes me wonder what meeting…

And from the AP, one of those “I can’t believe this was actually considered news” items:
New stalls for Craig’s airport restroom
Oh my god! Can we get tickets to the construction?!

From the crew at CNN:
Ticker: Giuliani links family scrutiny to bible
Because his life, or ANY life, actually has something to do with the bible.

Two shorts rants follow and then the two funniest headlines of the day, as voted by me.

CNN:
Madonna, Beasties lead rock hall nominees
OK. Do Madonna and the Beastie Boys deserve to be in a Hall of Fame? Probably, and in Madonna’s case, absolutely. But the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? That place is such a pathetic waste of time, ignoring great deserving ROCK bands because Jann Wenner comes off like an idiot with a score to settle and an ego to stroke. I loathe him.

From MSNBC:
Media melee follows Britney’s Mexican meal
Holy crap, Britney ate dinner!!! Let’s get serious here. If she’s an unfit mother, it’ll come out in court. But leave the freaking girl alone! Would YOU act normal if you were constantly hounded by photographers, for pulling off the excruciatingly difficult task of WALKING? And is the fact that she can eat really THAT fascinating? If it is, you might want to find something more interesting in your own life. But maybe it’s just me.

Now, the AFP provides the second funniest headline as voted by me:
Bounty for ‘gangster’ monkeys terrorising tourists at Cambodian temple
I see a bunch of monkeys with bowler hats, black trenchcoats and tommy guns chasing tourists around the temple, screaming about the tourists taking a piece of the monkey’s action.

And the headline that made me laugh out loud, from CNN:
Blizzard of babies reported in Denver
As millions of babies fall from the sky, the ground blanketed in squirming youngsters in tiny diapers, the populace runs to hide! Tomorrow, millions of babies will be scooped out of the road by snowplows, and sent to orphanages in a foreign land to learn hand weaving.

From MSNBC.com:
Odor leads agents to dung depot
I think I’d be finding a new job. Finding dung is one thing, finding an entire dung DEPOT is another entirely.

Also from MSNBC.com, in the “In what universe is this actually news” category:
Teeth whitening for Spears’ oldest son?
Now if it was something like, “Dual Limb Replacement For Spears’ Oldest Son,” I can see that making a mark in the Entertainment section. But teeth whitening? And why does a kid that small need teeth whitening? Brush his teeth!

This one came from CNN.com and was copied and pasted directly:
Tow fills one whopping-big ketchup packet
Maybe I’m tired, but this sentence makes no sense to me. While trying to make sense of it I thought, “maybe a tow truck dragged something in,” but a tow truck can’t tow ketchup. Besides, why wouldn’t they say “tow truck?” Then I figured out that a TOWN filled the packet, was instantaneously bored, and went on to the next headline….

Also from CNN.com:
Overgenerous ATM hands out an extra $7,000
Why do things like this never happen to me? Granted I’d take it back in to the bank because I wouldn’t want to steal from anybody but at least I’d have a nifty story.

MSNBC.com provided this darling bit:
Post-sex scrubdown? Don’t take it personally
I’m not sure where to begin on that one but if someone started scrubbing me down, I might insist they desist. That’s my job.

From CBSNews.com:
Ethanol Demand Sparks Popcorn Debate
For some reason those just don’t sound right together. However, if I can someday power my car on popcorn, I’ll be a very happy camper.

Also from CBS:
Gaining Weight? Blame Your Friends
Anyone but yourself!

CNN.com posted what may be my double-take line of the day:

O.J. Simpson grilled on live Internet show
I don’t see why this wouldn’t be breaking news. A human being grilled on a live show?! Was he sauteed? Marinated? Fed to the homeless? Was Crisco a sponsor? Or A1?!

But CBSNews.com comes out ahead today with my personal favorites, and there are three:
Call Police If Offered Women’s Undies
If someone walked up and offered women’s underwear to me I probably would report them. That’s the sort of thing I go shopping for on my own. If some stranger is selling them, that sort of sets off my creepy meter.

I love this one: Monkey Unlocks Pen, Eludes Zoo Staff
I envision the monkey from Friends dashing about with a wicked grin on his little monkey face as zookeepers lunge and fall all over themselves, stacking up like cordwood in the capuchin’s wake.

But this is the one I really hope I never see again:
Panda Poop To Be Recycled Into Souvenirs
The things I see when I read this really don’t need to be described.

Two sentenced for trying to sell Coke’s secrets (CNN)
Which one, which ingredient makes it nasty or the one that leaves the weird film in the cup?

U.S. checking Chinese toothpaste imports (CNN)
Yes, toothpaste will get checked. Thousands of containers, not so much.

Shark virgin birth warning to man, expert says (CNN)
No not that the “apocalypse” is coming. Just that the sharks may be under greater threat than previously known in order to resort to asexual birth. But what does it say about the country that my first reaction to reading the headline was, “Here we go again.”

Baby ‘Bubba’ gets a gun permit (CNN)
I’m not sure any Bubba should have a gun permit, but a baby? What’s he going to shoot, his teddy bear? He’s more likely to accidentally gun down his parents. Maybe a rattle would be a safer choice.

Judge orders shoplifters to wear ‘I am a thief’ signs (CNN)
I think this is hilarious. Someone will complain I’m sure but at least this way they’re punished and the rest of the neighborhood is warned.

Man Faces Felony In Underwear Thefts (CBS)
I was going to click the link…but I don’t want to know why the guy was hijacking underwear.

I especially enjoyed this one…
Man Gets 5 Years For Blowing Up Toilet (CBS)
I didn’t picture a bomb folks. That’s the kind of sicko I can be.

Yes. Think about it.

Finger Length Predicts SAT Performance (LiveScience.com)
And nose hair length indicates athletic prowess.

Study: More spam but fewer complaints (AP)
Because we’ve just given up.

The double take moment of the day:
Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair (Reuters)
I really don’t need to comment.

And the jaw-dropper of the day:
Depp ‘wants to eat’ co-star in ‘Pirates’ (AFP)
Perhaps it’s because I’m a little perverted sometimes. But I will never be able to watch that movie the same way ever again.