My guess is, this appeared on numerous sites but since I saw it on CBS, they get credit.  In an article about Bernie Madoff and his declarations that he’s dying, this tidbit was included:  ”The 71-year-old Madoff could be released for good behavior by November 2139.”

Um….oh no he couldn’t.  None of us are going to be alive then, much less Bernie Madoff.  ”Bernie Madoff is scheduled to spend the rest of his life in prison” would suffice, but there’s no way on any planet we currently know of that he could be released in 2139.

Der.

I was up early today and decided it had been too long since a good dose of headlines.  Some of these are my usual too pointless to be called news and/or hysterically funny and some I just wanted to comment on.  Our first batch comes from CNN, today’s bringer of the most pointless.

Retiring soldier eats 36-year-old cake-in-a-can
This was in the latest news section at the top of the page.  I don’t know why.  But besides wondering why this is news, I wonder if the guy ate it because he HAD to because he has no money?  Is he a little off?  Or is he like the guy I knew in science class who would try anything?

Cafferty: Is Sarah Palin still relevant?
Well, considering she lost her first national election and didn’t start a full fledged trend of adding “also” six times to each sentence, I’m not sure she was ever relevant.

Actress on sex, lies, ‘band and snap’
Band and snap?  Is that related to Legally Blond’s bend and snap?  Curiosity made me actually click the link and it IS bend and snap.  CNN just didn’t bother proofreading their headline.  Oops.

Alligator spotted belly-surfing off beach
This might win the award for the most meaningless headline of the day.  And it was considered top news.  Now if the little beast was wearing go-go boots, sunglasses and a fedora, THAT would have grabbed my attention.

Oh wait…no, it got beat out for most pointless by this:

Ticker: ‘I love you,’ says Palin
Really?  That’s it?  Don’t the majority of Americans say that at least a few times in their lives?  We’ve got more soldiers dying in Afghanistan and this is what makes the top headlines?

CNN doesn’t have much to offer today in the way of real news so on to MSNBC.  But before I go there, there’s an ABCNews.com headline that takes a sledgehammer to my aggravation button.

American Airlines raises checked-bag fee
You do realize that soon it will actually be cheaper to MAIL your luggage to your destination?  You’d probably be more likely to get it too.  In fact, since I had to unpack anyway, I just put all the clothes I took to my dad’s house, put them in a box, and weighed it.  It would cost me about $16 to mail it to my dad.  So I’d already save money that way.  This is however the same airline that refused to even consider giving me a refund for a ticket when I had to cancel a trip.  Normally I’d say, well that’s the policy but my reason for canceling?  My mother had just gone into hospice for the last time.  American Airlines, we’ll screw you any way we can.

Rant over.  On to MSNBC.

Grilling officials at the fair
I’ve always thought “grill” was an unfortunate headline word.  “OJ Simpson grilled in court,” “teacher grilled over class content.”  I’m sorry. I see a bunch of kids and teens having a blast at the fair by putting a bunch of officials on a spit and setting them ablaze.

Maybe it’s just me.

Suleman inks reality show deal for her 14 kids
Won’t these kids be traumatized enough by their mother’s plastic surgery?  Why do they need to be forced onto television too?

This is my favorite headline today:

Hey stupid! Drop the cell phone and drive
Considering the only people who come close to slamming into me anymore are morons on cell phones, I say:  A-fricken’-men.

Bolt the lock and you’ve secured something.  Bolt in general and you’re running as fast as you can.

You can buckle up and fasten something or buckle down and fall apart.  So when someone says, “I buckled,” what did he really do?

You can weather the storm, or endure, or something can be weathered, or eroded.  Endure, erode.  Some of our brains go through both at once, don’t they?

Merriam-Webster makes me happy.  Ravel means both “to separate or undo the texture of” and “to become entangled or confused.”  Ravel is my new favorite word.  I might name my next pet Ravel.

According to Merriam-Webster, clip means “to encompass” or “hold in a tight grip” and “to cut or cut off with or as if with shears.”  So you bring it together and cut it apart.  I love English.

As you can see, PerpetuallyConfused.com has changed just a little bit.  More updates will be on the way.

1 : occurring twice a week
2 : occurring every two weeks

Maybe it’s just me, but there’s a bit of a difference there.  For more fun, bimonthly says it’s twice a month and every two months.  So technically, an article that comes out every two weeks is both biweekly and bymonthly while also not being bimonthly.

Credit to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary for our perpetually confused words for today.

I haven’t done one of these in a long time due to taking care of my mother, but today I needed a laugh and found it, as usual, on the mainstream media websites. Here’s the batch!

From MSNBC.com comes this absolute comedy goldmine:

‘Jealous wife’ charged in fatal genitals fire
It might not be funny to the person with the flaming genitalia or his family, but that sentence itself has to be funny to just about everyone else. And I love the quotes. ‘Jealous wife.’ I see someone doing sarcastic air quotes when I see that.

Also from MSNBC:

Apple’s Steve Jobs’ condition a ‘puzzle’
You’d think they’d know how to fix that by now. Put him on House!

From CBSNews.com:

Boy, 4, Shoots Babysitter For Stepping On His Foot
Wow. That is one ticked off kid. How does a four year old get a gun anyway? And why would a four year old’s first thought be, “ouch, he accidentally stepped on my foot, I think I’ll just SHOOT HIM”? Sheesh.

The following are all from CNN.com:

Appearing in both the “more than I needed to know” and “completely worthless snewz” categories:

Harrison Ford’s chest hair waxed, ripped off
This was in CNN’s top news stories. I can see why. The disturbing image of someone ripping off all of Harrison’s chest hair is by far the most important thing I’ve come across all day.

I’m not sure what category to put this in:

Artist tests Facebook ‘nipple rule’
Maybe it’s just me, but when I read this, for some reason I saw a face with nipples on it being stretched and strained by a dude wearing a beret. It is possible I’m not getting enough sleep.

And in the “what in the holy hell are you talking about” category:

Obama reviewed cobbler on TV in ’01
What? Did he use television to decide if he wanted cherry or apple cobbler? Or maybe he was researching to find someone to fix his shoes? And what does it matter what year it was, unless he reviewed the cobbler in 2001, is going to eat it now, and we’re afraid he’s going to die from food poisoning?